I have a severe depressive disorder.
There's been a lot in the media about acceptance of Depression lately, and that's cool. However, it does not make one unashamed of this condition. It doesn't matter how many times I see things on Facebook about acceptance of this condition; it still makes me feel like a giant piece of garbage that is unworthy to be alive and I know there are people who judge me for this, which of course makes me feel worse about it. So I know people are judging me more severely for feeling bad about having this condition, which makes me feel worse, which makes people judge me more, which makes me feel worse, which makes people judge me more, and the short version of this is that "This is the song that doesn't end." Annoying and repetitive.
Everybody with a depressive disorder has a different experience with it. I have no intention of trying to speak for all people suffering with depression. But I do want to tell you about my experience.
I am deeply, deeply ashamed of my condition. This is not a condition that enhances logic, so it doesn't matter how much I shouldn't be ashamed of it. It does not help when people tell me I shouldn't be ashamed. This, on the other hand, compounds the shame, which compounds the self-hatred - "you shouldn't feel the way you feel," or "Your feelings are wrong," shockingly, are not helpful things to be told. Because of the shame felt, when I'm experiencing a depressive episode, I'll try like Hell to make damn fucking sure nobody knows. My experience knowing others with Depression has taught me that this is not uncommon. It is not a coincidence that many entertainers suffer this condition. It forces you to learn how to be a damn good actor. When actor and comedian Robin Williams died, so many people were shocked, because "How could somebody so funny and so talented possibly be depressed?" My reaction was not one of surprise that he suffered this condition, but instead that he survived it as long as he did.
When I'm in a depressive episode, I get funny. Really, really funny. At least that's my intention. However, I have an uncomfortable sense of humor. I have really, really, REALLY dry humor. I excel at deadpan delivery. Deadpan delivery of dry humor, however, often comes across as mean, especially when the humor is a little dark.
Meanness is not my intention. Hiding is. I try to be funny so people don't know I'm hurting. I am not trying to hurt feelings. I am not trying to be mean. I am throwing every defense I have up so you won't know I'm broken. I'm trying to trick myself into not physically hurting myself.
So the point of this entry is: If I've said anything that has hurt you in the past thirty years, particularly in the past three weeks, I am sorry. If I talk to you in this state, it is because I care about you, and I do not mean to be hurtful. I could not more seriously mean it when I say "You've done nothing wrong; it has nothing to do with you. It is me." It is me trying to be funny, because humor is my safe space.
I had initially thought about justifying my current depressive episode in this entry; telling all of the details of what has sent me into it. On much reflection, I don't think I should have to do that. It's not something I have control over. I haven't chosen to fall into a depressive episode any more than a cancer patient chooses to have a relapse. It is honestly rather upsetting when I do finally confide to somebody that I'm having a depressive episode and their response is "why?" It's not like I decided it would a good way to pass the time. Sometimes there is a definite cause, other times there's not. Honestly, I don't think it matters. Whether I've just been diagnosed with another painful, chronic condition or I'm just hurting for reasons I can't identify doesn't effect how severe the episode is. And it's not fair for the response to "I'm depressed" to be "Why?" Whether there's a pinpointable reason or not, I don't need to be badgered about it. I don't need to be told I'm wrong. I don't need to be told I'm unreasonable and need to get over it. I need some support.
