A few years ago, my grandfather become very, very ill. (This would be the husband of my grandmother, of robbing Royalty Ranch fame.) Concerned that he might not make it through, my then-boyfriend (Nerfherder, as many of my readers know him) and I hopped in the car and made the four hour drive to visit him in the hospital.
Now, my grandpa has always been...goofy. In an hilarious, lovable way, of course. He has always been known for saying the most ridiculous crap you could ever hear. My mother and grandmother are both very squeamish about anything being on or near their neck, which includes whispering in their ears. My grandpa has always loved sneaking up behind them and doing his frog impersonation in their ears. He used to make up bizarre songs about such things as feeding gingerbread to pet monkeys. The basic summary here is, Grandpa's weird. To the point where, now that he's getting older, people sometimes mistake his humour as confusion or dementia.
When Nerfherder and I arrived at the hospital, my mom and grandma were sitting by my grandpa's bed. Nerfhereder and I pulled up some chairs and joined them. I don't recall exactly how this came up, but we somehow got to talking about when my mother was born. Grandpa suddenly got a very upset look on his face and glared at my grandmother. "She lied to me!" he said accusingly.
Nerfherder and the nurse, who had just entered the room, looked nervous. Here we had been, having a happy conversation about this couple's second child being born, and now this elderly man is accusing his loving wife of being a liar. But my grandmother has always known better than to take what he says at face value.
"What sort of nonsense are making up now, Barry?" Grandma asked.
"I'm not making anything up!" he replied, his face beaming with disingenuous animosity. "You lied, Dot! You told me we were going to the hospital to get a puppy!"
Nerfherder and the nurse looked terrified, while my mother and I were cracking up. The two non-family members thought my grandfather had just insulted my mother horribly, and he was just getting started:
"I didn't want some stinky baby. I never would have come with her if I'd known she was going to have a baby! I wanted that puppy!I tried to sneak away and take that baby to the pound to work out a trade, but Dot never let me alone with her long enough!"
At this point, it was obvious the nurse was thinking about interjecting but wasn't sure how to go about it. Nerfherder had begun to be amused, but still thought my grandfather was being serious, so he didn't dare laugh. After all, this man was pushing ninety and had been showing signs of confusion, and surely nobody would say they wanted a puppy instead of their own child! Meanwhile, my mother, grandmother, and I were wiping tears of laughter from our faces. That's when my grandfather turned, looked Nerfherder straight in the eyes and said, completely deadpan, "I really wish I'd gotten that puppy."
Nerfherder looked like he had been sucking on a lemon. He had his lips sucked into his mouth and was shaking slightly in his attempts to stifle laughter. My mother managed to stop laughing long enough to say "Nerf, you can laugh. He knows exactly what he's saying!"
Nerfherder and the nurse then joined in the laughter. A few minutes later, my grandpa was getting sleepy and motioned for my mother to come close. She leaned down towards the bed, putting her ear near my tired grandpa's mouth, and we could hear from the other side of the room, "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrribbit."
If your take-away from this story is anything other than "Roz's grandparents are fantastic," you should read it a few more times. They're the best.
